You Would Think A Newspaper Could Read

OK, I'll admit I'm so mad that I'm beside myself and both of us are so angry that actual steam is coming out of our little teapots. It absolutely frosts my you-know-whats when these media pricks take advantage of those more talented members of society such as, well, moi.
What is it that has my panties wrapped around my vegetable garden tighter than a lid on a pickle? The local newspaper! That's right, the Retard Searchtights.
Even after a blistering letter cooked up by my crack legal team over at the law offices of Hoongadoonga, Hoongadoonga, Hoongadoonga & McCormick the ink-stained wretches are still violating me with their newspaper without due compensation!
They are insisting on using a rather fetching photo of yours truly in "house ads" shilling their urologically focused monthly tabdroid, "Health & Stream."
I, of course, am exuding the picture of health in the aforementioned ad — as that was what the photographer, Eduardo D. Miller, at Shutterbugs (located in the Glendale Galleria down El-Lay way) was coaxing from me. I'm a highly tuned acting instrument and Mr. D. Miller knew how to play me.
I'm capable, with just the flick of an eyebrow or an askance glance, impart on an audience the full rectum of humane emotions. The marketing folks over at the Reverb Punchwagon know this and and want to use my finely honed acting vessel to promote their Yellow Rag. Well, I'm here with a whole load of lawyering Hoongadoongas to say, "Show Me The Money, Bunny!"
So, I'm giving the pressers and retorters over at the Retort Surething one more chance to pay my modeling fee of $39.00 (U.S.) by way of check, money order, cash or PayPal. My pal will be over at 9:00 am to be paid.
Don't make me sic a Hoongadoonga onya.