Wednesday, October 22, 2008

You Would Think A Newspaper Could Read

OK, I'll admit I'm so mad that I'm beside myself and both of us are so angry that actual steam is coming out of our little teapots. It absolutely frosts my you-know-whats when these media pricks take advantage of those more talented members of society such as, well, moi.
What is it that has my panties wrapped around my vegetable garden tighter than a lid on a pickle? The local newspaper! That's right, the Retard Searchtights.
Even after a blistering letter cooked up by my crack legal team over at the law offices of Hoongadoonga, Hoongadoonga, Hoongadoonga & McCormick the ink-stained wretches are still violating me with their newspaper without due compensation!
They are insisting on using a rather fetching photo of yours truly in "house ads" shilling their urologically focused monthly tabdroid, "Health & Stream."
I, of course, am exuding the picture of health in the aforementioned ad — as that was what the photographer, Eduardo D. Miller, at Shutterbugs (located in the Glendale Galleria down El-Lay way) was coaxing from me. I'm a highly tuned acting instrument and Mr. D. Miller knew how to play me.
I'm capable, with just the flick of an eyebrow or an askance glance, impart on an audience the full rectum of humane emotions. The marketing folks over at the Reverb Punchwagon know this and and want to use my finely honed acting vessel to promote their Yellow Rag. Well, I'm here with a whole load of lawyering Hoongadoongas to say, "Show Me The Money, Bunny!"
So, I'm giving the pressers and retorters over at the Retort Surething one more chance to pay my modeling fee of $39.00 (U.S.) by way of check, money order, cash or PayPal. My pal will be over at 9:00 am to be paid.
Don't make me sic a Hoongadoonga onya.

Friday, October 3, 2008

Take That, R-S!!!

I've contacted my crack legal team and they have drafted and mailed the following letter on my to enlarge (that's what she said!)

Monday, September 29, 2008

Local paper rips me off!

On September 24th of this month, the local newspaper ran the following ad on page B4 below the fold:

Does the dapper chap pictured here look familiar? Well, he should! That's ME!!! That is a photo taken at Shutterbug Photography in the Glendale Galleria last year when I was visiting my agent in El Lay! I had a whole new series of "glossies" shot to remind agents and casting directors that Harry is still out there and he's still got IT!!! They're promotional photos! How the flying duck humper did the Record Searchlight get MY photo? And WHO gave them permission to use my image in their tawdry little ad??? I understand WHY they used it, I really sell that whole "health" angle, don't you think? I mean, I really LOOK the part, don't I?
But, the fact remains that they used one of my publicity shots in their advertisement WITHOUT MY KNOWLEDGE, CONSENT OR PERMISSION! Suffice to say, they haven't paid one plug nickel to me, either.
The newspaper is, without my knowledge, encouraging MY audience in this market to buy their lousy paper. Let it be known that before Harry Ames, Jr. endorses a product or periodical, he reads it. It has to pass the Harry Ames, Jr. "sniff test" before I allow my personage to appear in any kind of advertisement. Well, I just plunked down 47 centavos, + tax to get today's newspaper to see if I'm comfortable pitching it. Well, I'm pitching it all right. Pitching it right into the cylindrical receptacle to be picked up by burly men on trucks this Friday. What a stinkaroo! No WAY would I ask MY fans to purchase this rag. At least not until I see a check from these cheapskates.
Just so you know folks, Harry Ames, Jr. can't be used like a Cambodian whore with a head injury and open sores. Not again. When you see MY mug out there, rest assured I AM GETTIN' PAID!!!
The folks over on Twin View can expect to hear from my crack legal team and my second, at dawn tomorrow. Of course, my second may be late - in which case my third will have to do...I'm sure I'll be finished with my fifth by then. They won't get away with this!!!

Friday, September 12, 2008

Another Self-Portrait Of Me That I Painted

I call this one, "Self-Portrait." I did this just today! Don't I look happy? Well, I am happy because I was posing for an artist I admire and trust (oh, aren't I just awful!)