You Would Think A Newspaper Could Read

OK, I'll admit I'm so mad that I'm beside myself and both of us are so angry that actual steam is coming out of our little teapots. It absolutely frosts my you-know-whats when these media pricks take advantage of those more talented members of society such as, well, moi.
What is it that has my panties wrapped around my vegetable garden tighter than a lid on a pickle? The local newspaper! That's right, the Retard Searchtights.
Even after a blistering letter cooked up by my crack legal team over at the law offices of Hoongadoonga, Hoongadoonga, Hoongadoonga & McCormick the ink-stained wretches are still violating me with their newspaper without due compensation!
They are insisting on using a rather fetching photo of yours truly in "house ads" shilling their urologically focused monthly tabdroid, "Health & Stream."
I, of course, am exuding the picture of health in the aforementioned ad — as that was what the photographer, Eduardo D. Miller, at Shutterbugs (located in the Glendale Galleria down El-Lay way) was coaxing from me. I'm a highly tuned acting instrument and Mr. D. Miller knew how to play me.
I'm capable, with just the flick of an eyebrow or an askance glance, impart on an audience the full rectum of humane emotions. The marketing folks over at the Reverb Punchwagon know this and and want to use my finely honed acting vessel to promote their Yellow Rag. Well, I'm here with a whole load of lawyering Hoongadoongas to say, "Show Me The Money, Bunny!"
So, I'm giving the pressers and retorters over at the Retort Surething one more chance to pay my modeling fee of $39.00 (U.S.) by way of check, money order, cash or PayPal. My pal will be over at 9:00 am to be paid.
Don't make me sic a Hoongadoonga onya.

Take That, R-S!!!

I've contacted my crack legal team and they have drafted and mailed the following letter on my behalf...click to enlarge (that's what she said!)

Local paper rips me off!

On September 24th of this month, the local newspaper ran the following ad on page B4 below the fold:



Does the dapper chap pictured here look familiar? Well, he should! That's ME!!! That is a photo taken at Shutterbug Photography in the Glendale Galleria last year when I was visiting my agent in El Lay! I had a whole new series of "glossies" shot to remind agents and casting directors that Harry is still out there and he's still got IT!!! They're promotional photos! How the flying duck humper did the Record Searchlight get MY photo? And WHO gave them permission to use my image in their tawdry little ad??? I understand WHY they used it, I really sell that whole "health" angle, don't you think? I mean, I really LOOK the part, don't I?
But, the fact remains that they used one of my publicity shots in their advertisement WITHOUT MY KNOWLEDGE, CONSENT OR PERMISSION! Suffice to say, they haven't paid one plug nickel to me, either.
The newspaper is, without my knowledge, encouraging MY audience in this market to buy their lousy paper. Let it be known that before Harry Ames, Jr. endorses a product or periodical, he reads it. It has to pass the Harry Ames, Jr. "sniff test" before I allow my personage to appear in any kind of advertisement. Well, I just plunked down 47 centavos, + tax to get today's newspaper to see if I'm comfortable pitching it. Well, I'm pitching it all right. Pitching it right into the cylindrical receptacle to be picked up by burly men on trucks this Friday. What a stinkaroo! No WAY would I ask MY fans to purchase this rag. At least not until I see a check from these cheapskates.
Just so you know folks, Harry Ames, Jr. can't be used like a Cambodian whore with a head injury and open sores. Not again. When you see MY mug out there, rest assured I AM GETTIN' PAID!!!
The folks over on Twin View can expect to hear from my crack legal team and my second, at dawn tomorrow. Of course, my second may be late - in which case my third will have to do...I'm sure I'll be finished with my fifth by then. They won't get away with this!!!

Another Self-Portrait Of Me That I Painted

I call this one, "Self-Portrait." I did this just today! Don't I look happy? Well, I am happy because I was posing for an artist I admire and trust (oh, aren't I just awful!)

Self Portrait With Fluer

This is a self-portrait I did a few months ago while visiting Paris (France). I set up my easel with several other "artistes" at the Louvre. They were all copying the Titian hanging in front of them, I felt inspired so I did this self portrait. It really, really looks like me! In fact, I captured me like no one has captured me since I was directed by Jerry Paris (isn't it so weird, and cool, that PARIS should appear twice in this post!)
Hope you like it as much as I do.

A Nice Pear

Here's another watercolor from my collection. I painted this while I was rehabbing with Danny Bonaduce back in the 80's. Danny's paintings (we had the same art therapy class) were all of dead birds strewn around the canvas. Very creepy. Danny had some issues. Most of my paintings were of fruit.

You can click on the image to get a better look.

What Is The Dealio?

If there is one thing I cannot abide, it is people who waste your time. I call them "time wasters," sometimes right to their face. Take for example this cartoonist fellow, Pigbert or Dirtbutt or whatever the h-e-double hockey sticks his fuckin' name is. He was supposed to stop by the house and interview yours truly for that fabulous new website, Food for Thought: A News Café, but I get an email late yesterday saying that he's "super busy" with his write-in campaign for City Council and doesn't "have time for our interview."

Harumph.

Does he believe that he's the only super-busy person in the world? Is he so self-centered as to believe his is the only write-in campaign for City Council? Arrogant prick.

I used to know a lot of people like him when I lived and worked in Hollywood. Agents, producers and the like, always "super-busy" with no time to look at my glossies. Well, where are those assholes now, I ask you? Living in Topanga Canyon bungalows with a Prius in the driveway? Well, sure, probably. I would imagine they parlayed all that super busyness into big bucks.

Sure. Movers and shakers. They make stuff happen. Sometimes they make stuff happen for people who don't deserve it. Look at Howie Mandel. Jesus, I mean Howie Mandel has a billboard on The Strip, for Christ's sake! Howie Fucking Mandel! Still blowin' up that goddamned rubber glove on his bald head and cashing those fat network checks.

God, shoot me now.

So, to have Limpdick The Cartoonist blow me off for some imaginary election has brought me really, really close to doing a Judy. I have a medicine chest full of pills and salves and I may just swallow a bottle of Cialus and just let rigor mortis set in. But, I gotta keep a stiff upper lip...so I'll just grind the Cialus into an ointment and apply directly. OMG, do you hear how I'm talking?!? How could I let a puny incident like this upset me so? Besides, who would feed Twinkles IV?

I'll be damned if I let those bastards at Haven Humane near my little princess... or my dog either!

Oh well, I see there's another email from Dildobert, maybe this interview will take place after all. If it does, you'll just have to forgive me for being such a DQ.

That's it! TTFN,

Harry Ames, Jr.

oooh! Exciting News!!!

Well, slap my ass and call me Betty! I just heard that I was going to be interviewed for the hottest new website in Cybertown! That's right! I've agreed to be interviewed for Food For Thought, A News Cafe!
There's only one drawback, in fact, I almost said no to the offer because it's not going to be Kelly Brewer, Doni Greenberg or Jim Dyar doing the interview. They're sending some clown, whatshisface, the cartoon guy (I'm sorry, I haven't found even one of his so called "comics" very comical) to come by my house to do the interview. A cartoonist? Good Lord, things must be tight over at FFT. Oh well, they're new so I'll cut them some slack. Still, it's such exciting news, isn't it? I wonder how much they're going to pay me. Daddy needs new shoes. Anyway, I'll keep you posted!

TTFN,
Harry

TMI, But I Need To Vent

Normally, I don't use this blog to air my dirty laundry, but my bloomers have skidmarks and there's only one way to get 'em clean. I need to unload, and you, dear reader are the receptacle.

You see, I just got off the phone with my slut of an alcoholic ex-wife and, as usual, she's managed to ruin my sunny disposition with her incessant clamoring for her share of that residual check I earned by doing a guest-spot on Dharma & Greg a few years ago (I was the hot dog vendor in the park the fueled some great homo jokes, IMHO I stole the show). That gin-soaked harlot has a sixth sense when it comes to prospective johns, half-price daiquiris and my money.

What makes this situation so infuriating is that we were married for just six weeks and the only evidence I have that the marriage was even consummated is the permanent rash I seem to have developed "down there". But the fact I'm still paying "The Mistake That Jumped From The Cake" fourteen years later just seems patently unfair. But, as my agent is fond of saying, "life isn't fair unless you have a movie deal" and I, dear friends, don't currently have a movie deal.

Anyway, her latest telephonic tirade has me spitting nails, in fact I've chewed them to the knuckle. She says that if I don't Western Union $200 to the Flamenco Motor Lodge in Bypass, Texas by noon tomorrow she'll tell the tabloids my "Awful Secret." This would ruin me and my economic future. You see, I was planning on selling "My Awful Secret" to the tabloids myself when the time was right, but this be-yatch may force my hand sooner than I planned.

Well, thanks for listening. I have to sign off now and run over to Olde West to pawn my watch (again) and then over to the Western Union counter at Holiday and send two hundred freakin' dollars to the Flamenco Motor Lodge. What can I say, she's got me by the short and curlys.

Bitch.

Review: Leon Russell at the Cascade

Let me preface this review by saying that as an actor I have been done in on many occasions by shoddy technical support. Once, the scene called for me to fly gracefully across the stage (Peter Pan-like) and the drunken stagehands manipulating the cables managed to whip me violently into the bricks behind the canvas backdrop, head first. Their ineptitude cost me a Tony, 17 stitches and a concussion. Gin-swilling louts. So, I can sympathize with a performer whose talents are sabotaged by technicians and cheap equipment.
Tonight, I went to see and hear The Master of Space and Time, Leon Russell at the lovely Cascade Theatre in downtown Redding. Well, I saw Mr. Russell and his band but what I heard sounded like it was coming out of old Chevy Nova radio speakers at full blast and whose tears in its cones had been patched with masking tape. It sounded like shit. Awful. I left after about an hour of aural torture. I don't know how much worse it got, but I had no desire to hang around to find out.
Now, don't get me wrong... Leon and his band seemed to be playing great. The setlist was an eclectic mix of old R&B standards and Dylan covers...at least I think that's what it was. I'm not sure. You sure couldn't discern anything from the vocals. Well, they weren't really vocals, more like electronic squawking and a blender chipping ice.
Now, I love the Cascade. And, I love everyone who volunteers their time to ensure we have a top-notch venue here in River City. Bless you all. But unless Leon got to the theatre and decided not to do a sound check, somebody done messed up but good. Seriously folks, I know it's only rock and roll but being loud ain't enough. Now, Buddy Guy was seriously loud but at least you could make out the vocals and keys...not tonight.
Cascade sound folks, thank you for trying...I know you're trying...but nobody wants to plunk down $65 for a ticket to hear kitchen appliances explode.
That's just the way I see (and hear) it.

TTFN,
Harry

As promised, Some Watercolors

Hello Everyone, I am a self-taught artist who finds working with watercolor both exhilarating and cathartic. Back in the day, I would set up my little easel in the soundstage and paint between takes. Sometimes it would be hours, or even days, before my character was required before the camera, so I painted and painted. Here is a sample of one of my first efforts (I was painting under a "stage name" in those days, hence the signature "Marc Chagall". I thought it sounded very artsy.)

I'll post some more later on, I just thought you folks would like a little peek at my early work.

TTFN (that's Ta-Ta For Now for the uninitiated)

Harry

Reader's Letters

I thought I would share a couple of recent e-mails I've received from blog readers. Judging from the messages I've received you are a super curious bunch! Oh, and to A.S. from Pacoima, I actually never saw Bob Denver's "thingie", so I can't answer your question. And what makes you think I would have looked in the first place? Anyway, on to the more reasonable letters...

Dear Mr. Ames,

You claim to be an expert on the breed and yet you do not use the proper spelling. It should be spelled, S-h-i T-z-u or S-h-i-h T-z-u. You only make yourself look stupid when you make spelling mistakes. If you don't even know how to spell the breed's name, how can you be considered a Shi Tzu expert?

Signed,
Mrs. A. Noid
Redding

Dear Ms. Noid,

Do you have to be such a be-yatch? The fact of the matter is you don't know Shitzu from Shinola. The crazy spelling you prefer is based on the Wade-Giles system of romanization which I wholeheartily reject out of hand. The Wade-Giles system has been proven inferior and is no longer used by legitimate, professional Shitzu breathers, er, breeders.

Dear Mr. Ames,

Did you ever meet the great Billy Mumy? He was one of my favorite actors. Where is he now and what is he doing? I believe his performance on TV's "Lost In Space" outshone even that of Guy Williams.

Signed,
Amanda Pooterstain
Van Nuys

Dear Amanda,

Better than Guy Williams? High praise indeed. Yes, Billy was a contemporary of mine and I used to see him on the lot all the time. We would hang out together, and being precocious Hollywood 13-year-olds we would often go behind the make-up trailers and smoke a "doobie." It was 1966, you know. Sometimes we'd get a couple of the script continuity girls, get them high and bang 'em behind the "My Mother The Car" set. Once we even nailed 'em in the back seat of "Mother"! I don't think the property guys ever got all the stains out.

Today, Billy is a thrice-divorced salesman living in the Valley and attending court-ordered AA meeting 5 times a week. I used to see him Tuesdays and Thursdays and we'd talk about the "good old days" over a couple of beers. I haven't seen him much since moving to Redding, but I would love to get him up here for one of my Actor's Workshops. He's an amazing talent, but I don't know if you could put him in the Guy Williams class. Thanks for your letter.

Dear Mr. Ames,

My little Shih Tzu, "Caesar", has difficulty breeding, er, I mean breathing. In fact, he hasn't done any in two days now. What should I do?

David Hockaloogie
Santa Monica

Dear David,

Whatever you do, don't waste your money on a vet. Besides veterinarians being crooks and charlatans, you'd be paying for a diagnosis I can make by e-mail. Let's just say you won't be going through the liver, rice and kibble at the same rate. Adjust your shopping accordingly.

Well, that's all for today! Come back later for more dish and dogs!

Celebrity Memories and What To Feed Your Shitzu

My goodness! Thank you all for the lovely comments in regard to my first-ever blog entry! This is going to be soooo much fun!

Speaking of fun, I'm reminded of all the crazy things that have happened to me in my life in show business. The backstage pranks, the parties, the Thorazine, and of course, all the wonderful, talented people I've had the pleasure to work with. Such good times. Although, since I began my career at the age of 7, it's a safe bet that most of the technicians, stagehands and make-up people who helped make me look so good on your TV screen are all probably dead by now. That's too bad. But some of them were already pretty old when I met them, may they rest in peace.

Now, one person I hope is sucking dirt is that awful little bastard, Neddy Quinn. That talentless, ugly little snot beat me out for more plum roles over the years. I don't know what kind of "favors" he did for the directors but that kid must've mowed a lot of lawns and washed a lot of Plymouths. Ironically, we always seemed to end up working together. In fact, hat's me and Neddy with two girl models on the box of the popular game "Mousetrap". We're shown laughing and smiling while playing the game — but to this day I can't bear bringing out the box for fear of seeing "him" again. So, it's been over 40 years since I've enjoyed a nice round of "Moustrap". I guess I shouldn't let these things bother me, after all it's been a long time and I'm only denying myself. Why should I give up my fun just because that awful Neddy Quinn is in the photo?

Well, let's move on to a more pleasant topic, let's talk some Shitzu (I love that gag!) I said I would tell you what to feed your little dear (or any other small breed for that matter). Well, I learned from Rudd Weatherwax (Lassie's trainer) that a mixture of beef liver, rice and kibble is the best thing in the world to feed your dog. I trust Rudd (I think he's dead now, too) and that's what I feed Twinkles III and Sparkles IV, and they're sure no worse for the wear!

Next time, I'll share some of my watercolors. Be well!

Welcome to my World!

Hello, everyone! My name is Harry Ames, Jr. You may remember me for playing Jerry Van Dyke's son's best friend, Dilly, in the 1967-68 sitcom Accidental Family. Although the show only ran for 9 episodes, it launched my career as an 11-year-old actor with a union card and big plans.

The role of Sandy Webster, Jerry Van Dyke's son on the show, (which I was originally up for) was played by a little prick named Teddy Quinn. I hated his guts, yet I played the role of his best friend with charm and grace to generally favorable reviews.

I moved to Redding in 1990, mostly to create some distance between myself and my alcoholic slut of an ex-wife who is still bleeding me dry, but also to enjoy the wonderful recreation here in the North State. I actually enjoy the heat in Redding. It reminds me of being under the klieg lights on the TV soundstage.

I have many passions I'll be sharing with you on this blog. I love raising my little Shitzus ("Twinkles" Best In Show, 1988!) and working in my garden. I still hold acting classes and an "Actor's Retreat" every year out in Whiskeytown (which I hope has survived these wildfires! Thank you Fire Guys!)

I also love to paint! Watercolors are my specialty and you may have seen some of my work around town. Several of my paintings were on the walls at my cardiologist's office, but those offices are gone now and I don't know what became of the paintings. Somebody told me they thought they ended up in the FBI's property room. They were so beautifully matted, too.

I hope you'll check my blog often. I'll be talking about my Hollywood career, the celeberties I know, Shitzus, watercolors and anything else you might want to get my take on. I think this could be the beginning of a beautiful friendship.

See you soon!